Cleaning, parenting, referring, and decision making. They think a cute card and breakfast in bed is amazing! Then the rest of the day goes on like any other day. Yes, if your children are still alive you have saved their life from you numerous times!ĭads don't always get what moms want for mothers day. It is that time of year again! MOTHERS DAY! The day where we are suppose to be worshiped for all the living saving acts we do all year. They suck! But hey, at least you know you aren't there alone and we all are facing it! Embrace it, you can use it as black mail when your kids start being assholes!
These are the 6 things I always tell my new mom friends. Eventually you will get to a point where you are like "WOW! So simple and easy! Why did I have so much trouble in the beginning?" Trust your gut! There are people there to help because they want you to succeed. This is new to your little poop machine as well.
Know this, IF you decide you WANT to nurse, its going to take time. Do not go into trying to nurse if you aren't willing to put in the work. People say if you do kegels that it'll help! Nope! This is coming from a mom who is a master at kegels, and I still pee'd my pants when i thought I could jump with my kids at an indoor trampoline place! If you are currently pregnant, hold in every cough or sneeze you have once you hit the second trimester! Or place a pad there for safety precautions!Ħ) Breastfeeding- IT IS HARD! It is so very hard to get the grasp on it. Be happy you pooped because the first poop after having a baby is the scariest, especially if you had to get stitches! EEK!ĥ) Peeing- This applies to during pregnancy and after. Its ok, you can't see it and your doctor isn't going to think less of you. Ok if you get a C-Section you won't (or at least I hope you don't)! People will lie to you and say "NO! You didn't poop it was beautiful!" They are fucking liars! Do not listen to these people.
A panty liner wont save you! I suggest grabbing a pair of depends and sporting those bad boys! You know that joy of no period for 9 months? Well I'd keep stocking up on those pads you thought you wouldn't need to buy!ģ) Grandma Panties- Cute thongs? Booty shorts? NOPE! You leave the hospital with the worlds largest pad and net panties to absorb the damn ocean! You can't wear tampons and a normal pad wont cut it! So before that pooping machine pops out of you go buy those underwear you swore of once you hit puberty!Ĥ) Poop- Speaking of poop machines, you WILL poop during delivery. Before we'd be like "oh I might need a panty liner today". When pregnant? NOPE! You don't even know it is coming until BAM! Right in front of your mother in law who criticizes the way you BREATHE!Ģ) Discharge- When you are pregnant I swear it pushes everything out of you to make room for that growing human inside of you. I am going to do you all the favor of listing all the things the doesn't get published in "What to Expect" books!ġ) Gas- Oh man the gas is so bad! I know everyone gets gas, but we are usually able to clench it until we are in private or with people we don't care to pass it in front of. The none scary stuff like insomnia, weight gain, pain during labor, epidural, hormones, and maybe even heart burn. Were these questions you had during your pregnancy? Labor? Postpartum?Īs new moms you are going to experience so many things that NO one warns you about! Well yeah you hear about the normal stuff.
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